Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers
This post is going to be an extremely personal post, more personal than I am comfortable with,but a post which must be written because if America’s Watchtower suddenly goes dark at the end of the month I do not want people to wonder what happened to me. I think I owe the regular readers of America’s Watchtower at least this much because I have come to consider you all dear friends and I love you all. I know it sounds sappy but I am full of emotion so please bear with me because I have been blogging for several months with a heavy weight on my shoulders and now is the time to get it all off my chest because while my fate is uncertain my burden has been lifted.
If you missed my post entitled “Seize the day and never let it go because life is precious” I suggest you read it before continuing because it was intended to be a prelude to this post. If you did read that post I would ask you to revisit it before you continue because I was writing from behind the veil but today I am going to lift the veil and tell all.
Once you have checked out that post we can continue.
Whew, here goes:
Back in May, shortly after my 49th birthday, I awoke to find that my vision was not quite right, I had what I can best describe as a cloudy area in the peripheral of my vision. Naturally I did what most people do nowadays and I self-diagnosed myself using Google. Google convinced my that I had a detached retina and that I should seek immediate medical attention or I could lose sight in my eye. Would that it were…
I woke up Lauri and told her I needed to go to the doctor and I told her what I was experiencing. Despite a heart condition, which I will go into later, I have not been to the doctor in years so this naturally took her by surprise and alarmed her so she called my primary care physician that morning. My primary care physician told me to go to the emergency room because this was not something to ignore and they would be able to help me more than she could so I left work for my first visit to the emergency room.
They ran some tests and sent me to an ophthalmologist who determined I had a blockage in a small vein in my eye. When I told him that I was born with aortic stenosis and had heart surgery when I was five he ordered some follow-up tests to ensure that my arteries were okay because if the arteries in my neck were blocked it could lead to a stroke if unattended.
During my follow-up visit with the ophthalmologist he took my blood pressure and determined that it was very high…hospitalization high. He sent me back to the emergency room for a second visit and I was admitted. I actually did a couple of blog posts from my hospital bed back in May.
I was put on a low sodium diet and medication, which has brought my blood pressure down, and the good news is that my arteries are fine, there is no sign of narrowing of any kind anywhere.
However, during my first visit to the emergency room they did a CAT scan on my brain to make sure there was not anything there that was causing my vision problem and there was not. But there was an incidental finding which needed to be followed up on. There was something on my brain that should not be there.
I went to see a brain surgeon and it turns out that I have a mass in the fourth ventricle of my brain, it is benign but because there is a blood vessel attached to it this means it is growing. He informed me that while I have no symptoms because I am still young this needs to come out before it become a problem. The longer I wait the more dangerous the surgery becomes.
The good news is, if you can consider anything like this to be good news–besides the fact this mass is benign–is the fact that this mass is not attached to my brain–it is kind of floating there in my brain, the fourth ventricle is actually a liquid-filled cavity in the brain. I was told that if you have to have brain surgery that this is the safest brain surgery a person could have and the success rate is 95%. He told me that I was lucky because it could be much worse but I do not feel lucky at all…
This is where my story gets very personal and this is a topic I have always avoided on America’s Watchtower because I believe all Americans have the right to believe or not believe whatever they want to believe or not believe when it comes to religion but I am going to bare my soul and tell you what I now believe because this in an integral part of my story.
While the surgery has a 95% success rate that 5% chance is what I have focused on for months and it has had me rethinking everything I have believed for so long. It might seem strange to somebody who has not gone through something like this that I focused so heavily on such a minuscule number but inside the thought of my own mortality began to creep into my head and consume me. In my “Seize the Day” post I mentioned that people have a way of hiding what they are going through on the inside due to pressures they feel from outside and I was talking about myself.
In my time of need I began to look toward the God I had shunned so long ago due, in part, to my misgivings with the Catholic Church after the scandal and cover up. I could not get passed the hypocrisy of the leaders in the church who taught me right from wrong. This probably is more an indictment on me than on the church but since I left the Catholic church I have been through various stages of belief and non-belief over the course of my life: from outright atheism in the beginning, to agnosticism, to deism. I think I covered all the bases at one point or another as I searched for the truth all the while keeping it to myself. But the one conclusion I eventually came to, even before this happened, was that all of this did not happen by accident, it couldn’t have. But where does that leave me and where do I go from here?
I realize now that while my misgivings with the Catholic church were real that was just an excuse and I misplaced my anger. And yes, to be honest, it was anger and resentment I felt for so long when it came to the church and some of the people who taught me right from wrong. I still feel that anger when I think about it but I am working on it.
I wracked my brain in private trying to find the answers to the many questions I have had for so long but I could not get to where I needed to be on my own and I realized I needed professional help. But I was embarrassed to ask for it because I felt intimidated and was afraid my questions would appear naive to a person well-versed on the subject.
On the outside I kept up the appearance that everything was okay because I wanted to be strong for my family, I did not want to let them down and I did not want them to worry about me, but honestly on the inside I was falling apart and I knew it. This was a new feeling for me because, despite what people might think of me due to the tone of most of my blog posts, I am a very happy person and I am an optimist…probably too optimistic at times.
When Lauri and I went away for our anniversary in September I finally told her what I was going through on the inside and admitted that I wanted, and needed, to talk to her pastor to get my mind in the right place. Admittedly it took a few drinks for me to finally get the courage to tell her what I was going through on the inside but it was a great relief and I meant what I said even though I needed a little artificial coaxing to finally come clean.
Lauri is a woman of great strength and faith and while I know she wanted me to return to the church she never pushed me but I know she prayed for me. She has been my inspiration over the years, and she knows that I have struggled with this for years–but only to a point; I never told her everything I was going through over the years because I did not want to disappoint her because I love her more than anything else in this world. She is my best friend, my soulmate, my inspiration, and my life and I have been blessed with her love despite all my faults.
After finally telling her everything she told her pastor–David Thomas–what I was going through and he told her to have me email him to set up a meeting. I had met Pastor Thomas on several occasions and I respected him deeply, but still there was this self-doubt and I did not email him for over a week–but I finally did.
On September 30th I finally met with Pastor Thomas and I wish I had found the courage to do so earlier. I told him that I felt selfish for only seeking God because of my problem while ignoring Him for so many years when times were good, I could not rectify this in my mind because I felt like a hypocrite, and he gave me an answer that was so simple that I could not see it on my own because I had complicated it in my mind: he told me that if I had an argument with one of my sons and he left the household only to return days, months, or even years later that I would not stand at the door in anger, I would welcome him back with open arms because I would be happy he came home. He told me that is how God feels about us only his love for us is even greater than the love I have for my boys.
That really hit home with me because of the love I have for my boys and I accepted Jesus into my heart that night–I was the one coming home. That meeting was on a Wednesday night and on Friday I felt an inner-peace that I had not had since the beginning of this long journey, an inner-peace I still feel today, because I realized that everything was going to be okay no matter what happens. My burden was lifted but my battle continues…
However, I still had one lingering question which I did not ask Pastor Thomas about: if, as I was taught, the Catholic Church is the one true church how can I justify going to another branch of Christianity just because it suits my needs better?
Pastor Thomas gave me the homework assignment to read the Gospel of John and it is almost as if he knew what I was thinking because I found that answer early on in two verses–when Jesus threw the money-changers out of the Temple and when he met the woman at the well. These two versus basically state that it is not the building that matters it is the belief, what is inside, that matters.
I want to state to all my readers now that I am a Christian and if I am permitted more time on this earth I intend to try to live up to the expectation to the best of my ability but I understand that nobody is perfect and at times I will fail. We all fail…
My surgeon is an expert on this particular surgery and he actually has given many lectures on this very problem all across the nation so I am in the best hands I could be in, both physically and mentally if you catch my drift. He told myself and Lauri when we met with him that we needed to trust him for a few hours and I do, but I have put my ultimate trust in a power much higher than he.
I love my family and I am not ready to leave them yet my fate is not in my hands. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers as we go through this. My surgery is set for October 28th and I am finally at peace with my decision but I am still scared.
I had a pre-op exam on Thursday and I passed with flying colors so the final decision has been made. I was informed by the head of anesthesiology that while she did not know for sure, my surgeon might decide to keep me sedated until the following morning because of the nature of the surgery. He might decide it is best to allow me to stay under so as not to place undo burden on my head because of the trauma of the surgery, it would allow me to rest peacefully as I recover.
When I do wake up I will be in ICU instead of a normal post-op room so I have no idea when I will finally be able to inform you guys about my condition. If I do not post for a few days it does not necessarily mean the worst has happened but I hope that I will not leave you in suspense and I hope Lauri will be able to update you on my condition in the comment section of this post, but she is going to be busy letting family know what is going on. If all goes well I have an open thread idea, complete with song, ready to go that I believe is very fitting after all I have told you tonight. I am really looking forward to this post, I hope I am able to deliver it!
Thank you so much for listening, as I said above, I love you all and the friendships I have made here at America’s Watchtower. I consider you all to be my extended family.
frui diem
America's Watchtower 
Courage. It comes up from within you, when you least expect it.
Put it in your mind that all will go well, not for yourself, but for those depending on you.
I believe that I speak for everyone reading your page, that you and your family are in our prayers.
Shake it off, take the standing eight count, and come out fighting. That’s who you are.
Godspeed.
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Thank you so much Brittius! I do have my mind made up that everything will be okay because they are people counting on me and I intend to fight this hard and be okay. It has been a long struggle deciding what to do and what is right but I think I have made the right decisions. Thank you so much for the prayers!
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God Bless you & your family. Remember, The Lord is our rock!
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Thank you so much RIch!
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Steve, I’m crying as I type this, and I can’t really form coherent thoughts because I’m just so heartsick hearing this.
Much, much love and prayers my dear, dear friend.
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Thank you so much Laura. I have been writing and tweaking this post for quite a long time while waiting for the right time to post it. I needed to make sure everyone in my family knew what was going on with my health before I posted it here. I have to admit that I have shed many tears every time I visited the draft of this post before I published it. Thanks for the love and the prayers, I honestly believe everything is going to be okay, and the odds are in my favor, but it is still hard.
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Everything will be okay – absolutely!!!!
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I do believe that!
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Peace.
Prayers.
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Thank you so much.
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Steve,
You have your courage, your strength, your family, your surgeon and God on your side. Lastly you have your loyal readers pulling for you. God bless you and your family my friend.
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Thank you so much Peter, it means allot!
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Hang in and check your email.
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Thank you and I got it.
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I have not written to you before, but Ihave spent a great deal of time reading your site. I want to explain where I am coming from. I am a 62 year old Navy veteran. In my time I have been to the brink of death twice. The first was a firefight in Nam where I took a massive hit on my right leg, and the second was a drug overdose after I get out. I attended church as a child on a random basis, being from a dysfunctional family. It took me until I was 57 years old to realize I couldn’t go through life on my own, I couldn’t face my shortcomings and my lack of feelings until I gave my life to Christ. In the short amount of time we have here on earth we need to show compassion for those around us, and to live the life that God has laid out for us. I won’t give you any advice on which church you should belong to, but try to find on that preaches according to the Bible. If it isn’t in the Bible it isn’t Christian. My church preaches and all Bible study is based on what is in the Bible. You have those who say men wrote the Bible, but I believe they wrote the words that God gave them. Since coming back to God and Jesus I have never felt more at peace, and less able to beat myself over my past and mistakes I make even now. We are not perfect, God knows that. Touch each day with a heart given to God, and a belief that all you need is his word in your life. God bless you, and I will pray all comes out alright. John Velisek USN (Ret.)
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Thank you so much for those words and for your story. And thank you for your service as well.
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Thank you for serving our Country, sir!
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Thanks for letting us know Steve. Your letter was perfect.
Congratulations for receiving the Saving Grace of God, Eternal Life in His Son!
Prayers for your surgery successful outcome, and comfort for you and yours. His Love and Peace keep each of you.
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Thank you so much Zip, for everything!
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I have not read here and commented nearly as long as most here now. But I’ve been amazed how similar our thoughts from N.H. to Northwest Florida were. Will be counting on your recovery and return to this great blog, your being able and God willing. Yes, thoughts and prayers for you and your family and caretakers.
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Thank you so much!
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Take good care, Steve. I know that God loves you, and I pray that He blesses you with an abundance of life and joy for many decades to come.
TGY
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Thank you so much TGY!
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The kind of surgery you are facing now is less of a risk toward your general health than your (previously untreated) hypertension was, Steve. Congratulations for acting to correct both conditions. I’m happy you have rediscovered the usefulness of faith too, a different, purer thing than religion. I’ll gladly pray for the skill and focus of your health care providers, for your general recovery, and for your family’s protection from fear and worry.
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Thank you so much IM, I appreciate it!
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Thank you for sharing this with your readers.I always respect what you share with us.I am sure it was God’s way of reaching people that might have been on the brink of accepting Him as their Lord and Savior and this sharing put them over the top to do so.May God Bless and Keep you in this difficult time and may you come back to keep on doing the wonderful work that you do so well.You and your family are in my prayers and I believe everything will go fine in your surgery and recovery.
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Thank you so much Dianna! I never thought about the possibility that this post could help somebody else who was struggling but I hope it does.
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Good evening my friend! Believing God with you and your family for a full and speedy recovery. I look forward to reading pre and post surgery comments and blogs from your family and you sir. All the best and Godspeed….
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Thank you very much!
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Reblogged this on Say What News?! and commented:
A miracle posting from a great friend and fellow blogger Steve Dennis at America’s Watchtower. Check it out! Please whisper a prayer for my friend and his family also…
–Rhett E. Column
#SayWhatNews Approved!
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Thank you!
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Thank you my friend! Be well…
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The Blood is one of my favorite songs by The Cure, but the video won’t play in the US. 😦
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https://vimeo.com/99177609
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That one worked, thanks for sharing it!
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I am so sorry to hear about your illness, Steve. I understand fully how you feel about keeping your priorities straight. I seldom involve myself with politics and blogging anymore because I finally came to the realization that my family was far more important.
Please know this one thing. Nothing you are going through is out of God’s control. He has His hand on the steering wheel of your life and He will have His way. I am so glad to hear you have let Him have full control. I will be praying for you.
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Thank you so much Larry, great words of advice and comfort! I still love writing about politics, I still enjoy it, maybe that is a sickness in itself! 🙂
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Sorry I am posting late on this, Steve. I had to reread your post a second time to fully embrace what you were saying. It hit home not only because you are so important to our daily lives here as a friend, but to so many people that count on you at home. Of course we consider most everyone here family/friends as you do and families bicker, but come together in times of need and support. I am going thru a similar situation with my best friend of almost 50 years and a surgery she must go thru that parallels yours. I feel she is a strong person and will pull thru as I feel YOU will do the same. We all have our personal struggles on a daily basis, that is what makes us who we are and become. I do not know why you were given this challenge, but you ARE strong and will stand up to it as you do everything else in your life. Whether all here are “believers” or not, I am sure you have the support of whatever we have to offer. My husband is having surgery on the 27th and he will be “under” for it, he is apprehensive, as well, but he will be fine. You, Steve, are a good and moral person and I believe in my heart that everything will be fine with you, too.
As I have said in the past when you were away, we will “hold down the fort”. Take time to recoop and come back out swinging as only YOU can do with what you write. You, my friend have much more to do!
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Thank you so much for those kind words Lou, I appreciate it more than you can possibly know. I do believe everything will be okay but it is still scary to think about. My mind is in the right place and I think maybe this was a wake-up call for me to come back to God. I will be praying for your husband and for your friend and I hope everything goes well!
I know you guys will keep it going while I recover and I promise to let you know what is happening as soon as I can.
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It was with great sadness that I read your news. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your caregivers at this time. Know that I will be looking forward to the time my favorite blogger is back and well again. It sounds that you are blessed that you have received the very best care to this point, and that should be very reassuring. Still, facing our mortality is not an easy task. God speed Steve.
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Thank you so much for the kind words and for the thoughts and prayers, I appreciate it so much!
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As a cradle Catholic, educated at Catholic schools, I understand you struggle too well. I was away for 40 years, and “demanded” answers before I was going to return. It was a constant struggle. I found there were no answers, only acceptance after I surrendered. I found a very small Catholic chapel led by the kindest human being I have ever met, and I feel home.
Steve, you mind is in the right place now, and after surgery, so will be your brain. You will be in my prayers today, and every day.
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Thank you so much Bruce, it means allot! I was not able to go back to the Catholic church but I have found a home and it feels great. Thanks for the prayers, I appreciate it!
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Funny, both readings today were about suffering. The priest said that sometimes suffering widens the soul.I never heard that before, and I am still thinking about it, but I like it. BTW, the chapel I go to is located in a Catholic hospital. Several ill people, many recovering from illness, but many like me, hurt by the church in the past, but getting better in our soul.
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I just want to thank everybody for this outpouring of support, it means so much to me and I am humbled by it!
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I want to encourage you to feel upbeat about your surgery. Let me tell you a story about my daughter in law. She lost her mother when she was 17. She ate only organic foods, got the proper exercise, etc. She had two daughters, she is a wonderful mother. She was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 42. Her cancer surgeon asked what her mother died of, it was of an aneurysm in the circle of Willis, a brain aneurysm. She had told this to every doctor she had, they all said don’t worry, it is not genetic. Her cancer surgeon said IT IS GENETIC. We need a brain MRI. She had THREE aneurysms, none quite ready to burst, but one near her brain stem. We left that neurosurgeon’s office laughing and blessing the cancer for showing us what surely would have killed her. She had her cancer surgery; she had her chemo; and then she had first the surgery for the worst aneurysm which had swelled and was threatening; then two different surgeries for the others. She is well, she recovered so well. We still thank God the cancer showed up the problems, and she has been cancer free for seven years.
So let me tell you, GOD IS GOOD. You will be fine, and if you are in heaven you will still be fine but I expect to read you again after that surgery. God Bless You and your family.
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Thank you for sharing that story and I am happy to hear everything worked out well. That is similar to my story and if it weren’t for the eye issue this problem would not have been found. Thank you for the prayers, I appreciate it so much!
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Hello, if this matter and yes it does, I’m Protestant been to Church where John Knox and John Calvin did their preaching, still today a taste of “Puritanism” seeing “Idolatry” behind every stone… I may be not live to that standard, and enough to see “Paganism” as a Historical and Cultural Heritage like the Catholic church. Deus Lo Vult to some sort of allegiance Under Urban II is still and the “Path To Redemption” also. But it is Only Cultural Heritage.
With “The Five Solas” I get back to my Protestant Belief :
Sola scriptura (“by Scripture alone”)
Sola fide (“by faith alone”)
Sola gratia (“by grace alone”)
Solus Christus or Solo Christo (“Christ alone” or “through Christ alone”)
Soli Deo gloria (“glory to God alone”)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_solae
God Bless You All…
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It is so interesting you mentioned the five solas SDL, this week we just finished up a five week series about this with soli de gloria at church. I missed the first two parts because I had not returned yet but it was very good. Thanks for sharing the video as well.
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I appreciate your honesty Steve, you are in my prayers!
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Thank you so much Dee, it means more to me than you know!
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Hello, I am Steve’s wife😀 Lauri. I met Steve in 1983. Married him in 1989. I always knew he was as close to perfect as a man could be!! I Love him sooo much my best friend! I could not be more thrilled with his decision to accept Jesus Christ as his personal Savior. We are all called at some point listen and please answer. As Jesus is the only way to God the Father. He Loves us all!! Thanks for reading.
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Thank you so much my love! I look forward to expanding our relationship through God once this is all behind us. I love you!
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Steve, I just read your post and am proud of you. Not in the choice, even though I am a Catholic now going to another denomination, but in your decision to share your choice and your facing this surgery and the possibility of death. It is the ability of man to face adversity and come out better that displays the greatness of our Maker in ways that spread like the ripples on a pond. My conversion came from messing around with the occult and finding out that only God is life and all the rest is a lie. I should have been dead in 1980 and have been following my Savior ever since. I am writing this post on the evening of Oct 27. I will hold you and your family in my prayers and ask God for healing and continued life. No matter the out come, we will all stand around the throne in limitless, endless, measureless intimate fellowship with the High King Of Heaven. And when that time comes, all the struggles of this life will drift away and joy will be all that we know. I will look for your next post on the other side. Walk in the light, my friend, because the darkness just sucks… 🙂
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Thank you so much for the prayers and for sharing your story!
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Hi All of americaswatchtower followers, Steve had his surgery today October 28, 2015. All is well he was awake and joking that he had plans tonight😀 He wanted me to let you all know he misses you. Glory to God!! Love Lauri Dennis
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That is exactly what I wanted to hear tonight, Lauri! Tell him to get better at his own pace and hopefully YOU can exhale and get some sleep tonight….I am sure it was rough for you. Hope the boys were there with you!
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Thanks so much for letting us know, Lauri. It’s a great relief to hear this good news!!!
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Such good news. You both will stay in our prayers.
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Great news for a great guy!
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Excellent! You just made my day a lot better.
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Lauri and Steve, I am happy for you and your family. keep your eyes up and your hearts together. God is good and life with Him is great. I look forward to hearing from Steve when he is up and ready. Make sure he is ready to be up. I am a nurse on a cardiac floor and I have seen so many people start to feel good after surgery and then push it too hard…. and steve seems a bit driven. 🙂 Blessing…. Charles
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A 80’s New Wave Punk Band From The Holy Land 😉 🙂
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Ha, not sure I care for the music, but the visuals are pretty good. They put alot into their video making.
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OT- Thought you might like to read this. I know that diet drinks are bad for us, but this kind of sums it up. Maybe that is why I make tea ALL day for iced tea. I try to get the white tea, but most the time have to settle for green tea and add a flavored bag or two while brewing. I almost never drink soda. I have it here if company comes and wants it or if we are out and they have nasty water and no brewed ice tea, but we mainly do tea and coffee or…WATER, go figure.
https://www.yahoo.com/health/top-38-diet-sodas-ranked-190845426.html
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Welcome news indeed!
Take good care, and . . . may God bless us all!
TGY
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Hope you are well, TGY, have not seen you for awhile.
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