Hopelessly Fighting the Devil Futility

A few weekends ago I mowed my lawn. Exciting, huh? As I was mowing my lawn I was also doing what I always do while mowing my lawn, I was listening to my Ipod. I had it on shuffle, as I always do.

 As I was mowing my lawn this particular time a song came on and it suddenly struck me. The song is called Untitled, and it is by my favorite band, The Cure. (From the greatest album ever recorded no less).

 By now the anticipation must be killing you. What the hell am I talking about?

 I have been struggling with blogging lately, the posts have come hard. For the last three to four weeks now I have been struggling to come up with posts on a daily basis. I still have managed to post, but they come hard. I began to think that the passion was gone but the fight was still in me, why else would I continue to post? Then I began to wonder if the fight was gone but the passion still existed. I concluded that I still had the fight in me, I was losing my passion. That is why I was still able to post, although I think my posts have suffered because of this lack of passion. I found this to be very disheartening. From the day I was born, literally, I was a a fighter. But how can you be a fighter if you have no passion?  That is the question that I have been asking myself for several weeks now. It is very disconcerting.

 I can’t even begin to count how many posts I have started before thinking to myself, “I’m just not feeling it with this post” and deleting the draft altogether. Some of the issues in these posts I have felt strongly about, but the passion to write was missing, I couldn’t finish the posts. That is a lack of passion. As a matter of fact I have started writing this very post twice before, under the title “The Passion is Missing, The Posts Come hard” but never published them, so this is my third attempt on this topic. I wonder if this one will make the final cut.

 Anyway, back to mowing the lawn. As I said earlier the song “Untitled” by The Cure came on to my Ipod. A favorite song of mine. The irony of the song title in regards to my difficulty in finding topics to write about with passion was not lost on me and in fact was immediately recognised by me while I started listening to the words as they drowned out the sounds of the lawnmower.

  This song is about lost love and the regret at not being able to express yourself to your lover before it is too late, however I found the words to be quite relevant to my situation.

Never quite said what I wanted to say to you,

never quite managed the words to explain to you,

never quite knew how to make them believable, and now the time has gone

 Not being a writer by any stretch of the imagination I have found it hard to write at times. As the song says; “never quite managed the words to explain to you.”

 The line “and now the time has gone” really strikes a chord with me in regard to the presidential election. I feel the time has gone for us to elect a president that I can get behind. My words are coming too late. I feel regret that I have nobody in the presidential race that I can vote for. I thought for a while that this is where the lack of passion came from, but it goes beyond that.

 The song continues, and the following is the line that drove the point home to me on what I was missing. Was it the passion or the fight?

 hopelessly fighting the devil futility,

feeling the monster climb deeper inside of me,

feeling him gnawing my heart away hungrily

 That is when it hit me. It wasn’t that I am missing the fight or the passion. It is what I am fighting against that has made blogging hard for me recently. I am fighting against the devil futility. The passion is still there, as is the fight. But deep inside I believed that the fight I was fighting was futile.

 I still believe in the issues I write about but I have this sense that it doesn’t matter what I am fighting for, the effort is futile. The passion is there, the fight is there, but I feel as though the fight is futile, the battle is already lost. The country is going to go in a direction that I don’t agree with no matter who is elected president. The “monster’ futility has crept into my blogging and I didn’t even realize it as it was “gnawing my heart away hungrily” until I heard this song by chance a few weekends ago.

 I just recently returned from vacation, I thought that the time away would help me to refocus on my blogging when I returned. But that has proven to be untrue, I still feel that futility in me. I don’t know where to go from here. My little voice out in the blogosphere is of little consequence to the larger picture. But I will carry on. As futile as it seems now it is a battle that must be fought.

 The fight may seem futile but it is still a fight that must be waged so I will fight through the devil futility and who knows, maybe the feeling will subside. Maybe the battle can still be won. At least the passion is still there, and that is what really matters the most. If you feel strongly in what you are fighting for than you really have no choice but to carry on. To do otherwise would be irresponsible.

 The fight will go on- against the left, and the devil futility. Maybe they are one in the same.